My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
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[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Effort made
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.