My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes