[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
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If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am