The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
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Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
My god she’s good.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Mad Max: Furry Road