I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
🌱🌱🌱
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
New mindset, who dis?
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My good tweets are in my other pants.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had