thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
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Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Everything reminds me of my ex
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef