If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
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70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[shakes fist at other fist]
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent