It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
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I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
where the womens at?
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Got ya covered
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.