I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
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You have been warned.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I feel attacked.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.