“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
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me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”