Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
You Might Also Like
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?