When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
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don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this