she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
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Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I will never stop laughing at this
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place