Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
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Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
*skinny dips into black hole
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*