Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
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Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Well, shit
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
is this store having a stroke wtf
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.