Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
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dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.