“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
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Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Natty or not?