“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
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God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse