ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
me 2 months after i graduated
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*