Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
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[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.