I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
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I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Don’t frighten the programmers!
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?