That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
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Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.