The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
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A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?