Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
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Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
let’s discuss
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.