Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
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*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.