there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
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Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
When he asks for feet pics
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.