[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
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Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
shampoo implies shampee
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.