new career option?
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I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
When your man makes a valid point
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.