If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
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Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Which wines pair best with gloating?
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book