If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
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*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Wise advice