[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
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Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Spring of Deception
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’