squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
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people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
We’ve come full circle
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I think the cat got the dog high.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Dear Lord..
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs