Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
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Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!