That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
You Might Also Like
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.