My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
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gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Found the job I’m suited for
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history