Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
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Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos