I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
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I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…