I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
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It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.