Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
You Might Also Like
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
#growingpains
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.