They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Wake me when AI does housework
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Pringles