For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
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Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.