my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
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My nickname in high school was “who?”
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
What if the weather talks about us?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’