I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
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In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I think we should hear other voices.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it