Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
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Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
You better watch out
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die