More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
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Fidel Castro was alive?
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water