Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
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Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I support this random dude and all his protests