tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
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Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
No chill.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.