her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
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If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
i want to work in this restaurant
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.