All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
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I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
CRYING
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.