My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
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“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.